Have we repelled the Ferengi Invasion?

Steve Dibert, MFI-Miami

Many of you may not know a dirty little secret that is only known to a handful of conspiracy theorists. In the mid 1980s, America was invaded by an alien race known as the Ferengi. The Ferengi are known for their Anarcho-capitalist society which everything revolves around profit and the accumulation of wealth.

Their home planet of Ferenginar, is the center of all Ferengi commerce and is governed by the Grand Negus and the Commerce Authority. Their religion is also based on the principles of capitalism. They offer prayers and monetary offerings to a “Blessed Exchequer” in hopes of entering the “Divine Treasury” upon death, and fear an afterlife spent in the “Vault of Eternal Destitution”. As you can guess, women, food and drink are all secondary. All that mattered is profit.

They even have a Book of Morality they live by called the Rules of Acquisition which list 285 rules all Ferengi live by. Such as:

1. Once you have their money … never give it back.
3. Never pay more for an acquisition than you have to.
6. Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.
9. Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.
10. Greed is eternal.
13. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
16. A deal is a deal … until a better one comes along.
21. Never place friendship above profit.
22. A wise man can hear profit in the wind.
23. Nothing is more important than your health–except for your money.
27. There’s nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman.
41. Profit is its own reward.
44. Never confuse wisdom with luck.
47. Don’t trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.
48. The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.
52. Never ask when you can take.
59. Free advice is seldom cheap.
60. Keep your lies consistent.
62. The riskier the road, the greater the profit
82. The flimsier the product, the higher the price..
97. Enough … is never enough.
99. Trust is the biggest liability of all.
106. There is no honor in poverty.
109. Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack.
111. Treat people in your debt like family … exploit them.
120. Everything is for sale, even friendship.
181. Not even dishonesty can tarnish the shine of profit.
189. Let others keep their reputation. You keep their money.
239. Never be afraid to mislabel a product.
242. More is good … all is better.
255. A wife is a luxury … a smart accountant is a necessity.
261. A wealthy man can afford anything except a conscience.
266. When in doubt, lie.

This wasn’t an invasion using military might but of mind control. They brainwashed our business and political leaders and their grab for power was swift and effective. They manipulated their way into every aspect of our life. They soon infiltrated the Federal Reserve and began dictating economic policy. They managed to get themselves put in key decision making positions at some of our major financial services companies. Then one day in 2007, someone threw off the shackles of the Ferengi and refused to buy a worthless security certificate.

This caused a cascade effect. Soon, humans all over the globe began rebelling. They closed their bank accounts and refused to pay their mortgages. The Ferengi’s leader Grand Negus Zek even used his business savvy to convince his one-time human adversary, Barack Obama to help the Ferengi keep some of their influence by appointing Timothy Geithner U.S. Treasury Secretary. Zek believed that this would prevent something inconceivable to the Ferengi-a complete collapse of the free market.

This was all for not because the Commerce Authority has removed Zek as Grand Negus for running an unprofitable venture and seized his assets. Now Zek is on his way back to Fereginar penniless and destined to spend the afterlife in Vault of Eternal Destitution. Americans are now left to pick up the shattered remains of a once great and stable economic system.

Okay, this story is a load of crap but it’s more entertaining and creative than the stories and excuses coming from banking executives and congress about how they allowed this mess to happen. With everything that has gone on in the past 15 years, I’m wondering if our business leaders began worshipping “The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition” as a religion.  Besides, congress and the banking executives have used every excuse imaginable except for maybe extra-terrestrial mind control and demonic possession in order deflect responsibility.

The book by the way was actually written by Ira Steven Behr, who wrote it as a supplement to the TV series Star Trek: Deep Space Nine to which he was a writer and producer.